Yet Another Evillious Crack-Fic
by jpegg
Summary: A tired 21st century 19-year old is forced into completing Rilliane's agenda to get back home. Shenanigans ensue. Evillious crack fic means don't take this plotline seriously. Rated T for V's lovely swearing and character death(it's ec).
1. In which I become a servant

I was sitting in my bedroom sometime in the wee hours of the morning. Time felt lethargic, the entire household hadn't stirred yet. Somewhere in my thoughts a fleeting "should I get up from this computer and make breakfast" came and went, and in the end I remained at my desk, lazily tapping away at the keyboard.

It was summer. College was just around the corner and I had nothing better to do than sit and write. Kai was offline, so there was no way of having a pleasant repeat of last night's 3am conversations, sadly. I blinked, and squinted at the laptop screen. Ever since I found out I was horrendously nearsighted, I had tried to wear contacts. They're bothersome.

Eventually my mother comes knocking on my door, in that annoying tap-tap-tap hello she used to do every morning when I was in grade school. I'd rather wake myself up, and since I am already sitting at my desk I silently glare at the door, as if she'd see the obvious and quit tapping. She doesn't, though, because failing to actually swing the door open is part of her routine. I let out a gigantic sigh instead, and a grumble, indicating that I am fully awake and intend to be for the rest of the morning. The next few words out of her mouth make me wince, though.

"Take the trash out, help your brother out. Hurry up, the collection is in an hour."

Aw. I have to do chores. This early in the morning.

As if I wasn't already a spoilt brat with a hellauva lot of free time, an additional task is added to my list. No, scratch that. I didn't have a list until this one thing, and I liked it that way. And yes, I'm fully aware I'm a spoilt brat. Sue me, but I'd rather lay in bed all day and watch bird videos, thanks.

Groaning loudly to further express my discomfort whilst accomplishing the small task, I dragged my legs outside to dump the plastic bags in the trash bin. Not like there was anyone to hear my commotion, save for my mother, who ignored my ridiculousness as usual. I gave up on the noise and rubbed the eye bags underneath my eyes, and let out a yawn. Maybe sleeping less than 5 hours isn't going to cut it for me anymore.

I thumped up the stairs to our back porch, and tried the knob to the door. It wouldn't go.

I glared at it, and shook it more. "auuuuughhh..." I muttered. I hate minor inconveniences.

"Muuuum... Door's locked...again…lemme in..." I paused to yawn again. I heard shuffling from behind the door.

"Thank-"

I turned the knob

And the interior of my house, well…

Suddenly wasn't my house in the slightest.

I stood there, mouth open at the lavishly decorated victorian living quarters I stumbled into. _Waaait...not my house, not my house, not my house-_

"And what do you think _you're_ doing over there!?" Came a voice behind me.

"What? ...uH…" A lady in full clad armor and short red hair marched up to me, sword out. Behind her, was not my backyard. I was standing in a cobblestone alleyway, the sun seemed brighter, and somehow, I started to smell smoke.

"We're placing the residents of this palace under arrest!" The lady continued.

 _Arrest? Can I not be arrested please!?_ "UM. I WAS...LOST. YEAH. I DON'T UH, I DON'T LIVE HERE? WHERE UM...AM I?" I gushed.

"Lost? How did you get back here? We've been fighting with the guards for hours, there's no way you can-"

"HEY!" Someone shouted over to my left. Both the lady and I looked just in time to see a black-haired man rush right at us, sword out. It clanged with the redhead's sword, loudly. I tried so, so hard to not bring attention to myself.

"IN THE NAME OF LUCIFENIA, I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU REBELS!" the man yelled. He wore no knight's helmet, but somehow his long hair refrained from distracting his battle. There was a strong drive in his expression I could not comprehend.

Mostly because I was busy getting the fuck out of there.

"Oh shit oh shit who was that-" I was muttering so much to myself, impressed that I'd just witnessed something short of a fight in real life, so I failed to notice the short cloaked kid who suddenly ran in front of me.

"h-HEY-" I yelped, before crashing straight into them.

"AAH!" I heard a high-pitched shout, but quickly got back on my feet. The kid was still down amidst the rubble, though.

Wait...rubble?

I looked up. The buildings around me looked like a medieval times town got bombed. Crumbling buildings everywhere, the stench of burning surrounding my head. I coughed once and shook it out.

"How rude. You didn't help me up!" I heard. My attention snapped back onto the kid. Bright blue eyes stared at me from underneath the tattered brown hood.

"Uh... Sorry. Hey, did you see-" I jerked a thumb back.

Just then, "YOU THERE! WAIT!" I turned around to see the red haired knight running at us, now sporting a large abrasion on her left cheek.

I opened my mouth to respond but the kid I bumped into grabbed my wrist and started running in the opposite direction.

"Hey! Ouch! Wait! Slow down! Stop!" I protested, while they dragged me away and we weaved through this and that alley. Finally, after a few minutes straight of sprinting, the kid stopped, and I was left to lean against a wall and breathe heavily. (Not being athletic sucks.) Screams were heard in the close proximity and I realized this place must be under some sort of attack. "Where-where are we going? Who are you?"

" _Who am I?"_ the kid asked, giving me this incredulous look. "I am the Queen of this city! How do you not recognize me, peasant!?" they lowered the hood, and I stared straight into the eyes of a young girl with short blonde hair.

"T-the...ppfff...queen? Hold up, you're _younger_ than me! You can't be a queen!" I pointed.

"I have MUCH more authority than you will ever have, peasant." she pouted.

"Wha- okay, stop calling me peasant. First off, I have a name, and it's V-"

"Not interested."

"Wha-huh?"

"I don't care to learn your name. You are a peasant...and henceforth my servant." she said, and turned around, just as I heard "Over here! The queen might be over here!" in the area where we just came from.

I didn't have any words for that, still in disbelief over her last statement.

"We need to move. Come on." she grabbed my wrist once again, and dismissed my protests. She kept mumbling to herself as we rounded a few too many corners, taking some care to at least try to get me to hide in the shadows of the stone houses, when we finally ran down an alley with a dead end.

"Hey, stop! We're going way too fast! Slow down, or I'll crash into the wall!"

"That's what we're supposed to do."

"What!?"

"We need to run through the wall!"

"THROUGH!? EXCUSE ME, BUT THIS ISN'T HARRY POTTE-AAAAARGH!"

The wall rippled as we, well, jumped through it. Like she said. The last thing I managed to hear was some people yelling "There! Get them!" and footsteps that soon faded out, and all the lights shut off.

* * *

 **I** ** _know_** **convenient portals don't exist in EC, but again, this is a crack-fic.** **Sorry not sorry.** **I'm not careless, though, so it'll make sense.**


	2. In which I neglect science

We hit wet cobblestone street hard, and as I let out a painful "Ouch!" I heard that other girl land softly onto the grass beside me. I jumped up, rubbing my pained backside.

"What the hell was that!? Who are you? What happened?"

The girl scoffed. "I already informed you, I am a Queen. My name is Riliane Lucifen d'Autriche. And you shall obey my every order."

"What? What if I don't?"

"I shall not waste any time destroying you where you stand!"

I mused. "Waait. It sounded like you don't exactly own much anymore…much less a kingdom."

"Fine. I'll leave you here, in the middle of nowhere, then." she crossed her arms.

"...At least I won't have to deal with you." I grumbled.

"Go. Find your way back. Leave. I'll have you know we're not in the same era as we were back in my city."

"What did you _do_?" I said, trying to comprehend

"You don't believe me?"

"Of course not!"

"That is your fault. I still don't know if I can trust you anyway."

"So you still willingly dragged me with you? Me, a stranger? Like what if I had given you away to that lady?"

"You can put it that way. And you wouldn't have done such a thing. You aren't from here."

"And what made you think tha-"

She pointed to my pajamas. Oh.

"...I hate this." I muttered, looking down and kicking away a loose cobblestone.

After a few seconds of intolerable silence, I snuck a glance at her. She was intensely watching the night sky.

"So. I hate to ask, but where exactly are we?"

"Oh. AS you weren't knowledgeable enough to figure-"

"Hey!"

"-we are somewhere in Asmodean, Lasaland, near the Duke Venomania's mansion. At least that is what Allen informed me of firstly. He was the one to study the books."

"...The what what? Wait, are we on Earth?"

"...Are you acting dull? Or are you just naturally like that?"

"It was...uh...a rhetorical question!"

"...No, it wasn't."

I let out a sigh. Could I just go home please.

"Anyways what are we supposed to be doing here?"

"...I doubt you are inclined to know." She looked me up and down. I don't think she appreciated specifically my personally being stuck with her.

"Why not? Don't I deserve to know?"

"This isn't a question of reward."

"...I have no idea where I am, I have no idea what's going on and I don't get why you're leading us in circles."

"I don't know about your nonexistent life, but I just told you where we are and _you're_ the one who's a clueless idiot!"

"I'm not gonna start the pointing war but _why_ are we here again?"

"I haven't told you that yet, obviously!"

"Then tell me!"

"...No."

"Well," I threw my arms up. "If you're not gonna tell me, I'll find my way home myself." I turned around to leave.

"Hmph. I'm the only one who can get you back to wherever you call home, so either you leave your past life and stay or come with me and get home."

"Why do you act like you know everything?"

"Because I do, and was told as such." She replied, hands on her hips. "You shall get more answers later."

She walked forward and thrust a tiny bottle into my hands.

"...Are you trying to drug me or something?"

"No, you idiot! First of all that bottle is your duty to handle. You need to go inside that mansion," (she pointed to the dark, odd, purple-looking one standing there,) "And give this to the first person that you see is injured. It's anesthetic."

"...Are you implying I'll _die_ if I go in there?" I said, eyebrows up. "Why me? You do it!"

"..No, you have to do it."

"What?"

"Because.." she actually looked worried for a moment, "There's some kind of spell in there that I might fall under, and the results won't be pretty if I do." she looked me in the eye. "If I do, YOU don't get to return to my kingdom, and your home, wherever that is!"

I paused.

"And I won't fall under this spell?"

"Better you than me!"

"Wha-What is this spell anyways?"

"According to what Allen told me, it only works on girls."

"I...what?"

"You're perfect, though. The right kind of weird girl. You might even dodge it." Rilliane sneered at me.

I stared, incredulous. "Wait, how did you even know I was a-"

"Your voice gives you away quite easily." Rilliane stated as-a-matter-of-factly.

 _Really._ I gave up and decided to look up at the sky. "Why is it night?"

"It's always night around this specific area. At least it's what I've been told."

"What, like an enchantment?"

"...Somewhat."

"Is whoever's in there a wizard or witch? I'll have you know, I'm an unfortunate bloke who doesn't know any magic."

"There might be a witch, who, by the way, if you run into her, run for your life, but the normal human made a deal with a demon."

"…...I see how it is."

"And who're you calling unfortunate? That should be _me_ , peasant, because I just lost my kingdom and my dear twin brother." Rilliane seemed to wipe away a tear. Oh, her and her petty little attitude.

"...Oh bother. You know I'm not ever going to willingly head in there myself."

"That's too bad!" She smiled, then pushed me to the the front doors, yanking one open and shoving me inside. "BYE!"

SLAM. The door slammed shut behind me. I quickly turned around to open it. Locked.

"RILLIANE!" I yelled, and kicked the door as hard as humanly possible. After no response, I gulped, steeled myself and looked around to take in the inside of the mansion. It was lit, like people had recently been living in it, but the space I was in was empty. I wandered around. The halls enunciated my every movement, as if I was 30 minutes early to a lecture hall.

I peeked into a couple passageways until I chose one at random and walked through it. It was certainly a little more than creepy, but I couldn't help but notice the lack of decor, or art of any kind, for that matter. I wonder who lived here? They must be rich, at least. Oh no. More rich people. I would never admit it, but having the chance to explore something remotely abandoned was actually a tad more terrifying than it ought to have been. The vintage style made it so. I cursed the walls and the patterning wallpaper for this, at least - to make myself feel better about my situation.

I walked around a corner and emerged into a huge furnished space. There was another bigger-looking door on the other side of it, that was slightly ajar, letting the wind whistle softly though it. After noting of the persistent lack of life, I walked to the door and shut it. I sighed in relief. Good, nobody to pop out and scare me.

I realized .02 seconds later what I'd done, and jerked back on the handle. It didn't give. Stupid! Where the hell even was the lock?

Frustrated, I resorted to pacing around the chairs in the middle of the hall, when something on the floor caught my eye.

I turned my head in that direction. And then I froze, as all notions of being alone and free to do whatever instantaneously dissipated. Poof, gone.

I felt my soul wanting to backflip outta my body. Someone was lying on the floor, facedown, covered in a pool of blood. As I waited in obnoxious silence for about three seconds, they didn't move. Maybe they were dead. Upon looking closer I saw that they wore a long silver-lined purple coat.

 _Damnit, why do I have to put up with this shit. A dead body? Might as well knife me next!_

Discerning how fresh the blood was escaped me. Instead, my brain went to _'I really should defend myself with a weapon while I'm here.'_ I looked around and spotted a sword clad in grey displayed above the hall's fireplace. _Oh, that! I can use it. Maybe._ I thought, and ran towards it. I started to take it off the wall, but it was way too high and I ended up knocking it to the floor with a very loud CLANG.

I grimaced, and quickly looked up, hearing the noise of sequins scraping against tile. _What the hell was that?_

"who... 's ther...e?"

I thought I saw movement. I looked back at the, uh, dead person near the entrance doors. They weren't moving.

"Ugh...sh-show your s el f…"

I finally cracked. "I-I don't know who you are but you better come here so I can see you or...or I'll ...I'll make you wish you were never alive!" Real smart, yelling crazily at the intruder would totally not result in my death,

After a second, the voice came again. "You...you can already see...ah..!" It sounded like they were in pain...or something like that. And in the room with me.

"Waait. Are you the dead person in the room I'm in?"

"...I'm not...dead...idiot."

"Ohhh..."

I then remembered I was still holding the rpg-looking potion bottle thingy. " _You'll give this bottle to the first person you see injured…."_

I shook off the image of Rilliane, then made my way over to whoever they were.

"You almost gave me a heart attack!" I glanced down, eyes narrowing. "But-" I was cut off by his voice, which was clearer now.

"Why didn't you leave..?" he stuttered.

I frowned, clueless as to how to answer that. "I don't think I know you."

"Huh? Wait, you don't sound like one of the girls I know."

I put effort into looking confused, realized he couldn't see my expression, so instead vocalized my thoughts. "Yeah, I'm not from around here. Who are _you_?"

"...…fine…..I..I might need some help...getting up..."

I wouldn't consider myself strong in any sense, but somehow I got him to sit up on a nearby chair. He winced, then made an effort to open his eyes, and look me in the face. I tried my damnedest to quit staring, but failed. He was definitely some high class person, by the looks of that extremely ruffled collar, and carefully pulled back violet hair. And it also looked like he'd just been stabbed, lost a sword fight, or something happened, because he held his hand over a really bad chest wound. Ouch. That looked pretty bad.

I opened my mouth to say something, but his grip on my shoulder grew a little too firm, and his eye color seemed to throb. He stared at me for a silence that was awkwardly long.

All of a sudden, his grip slacked. I jumped back, confused and a little weirded out.

"…are you…uh, okay?"

"...What? I- it didn't work?"

"...What didn't work?"

"The enchantment, I-"

It clicked for me. So _this_ was the guy using magic for less than honorary purposes.

"Woah, woah! H-hey Rilliane? This some kinda set-up?" I backed off, ready to run back outside, where I would be giving aforementioned princess a piece of my mind.

"..Don't leave! I didn't...How does this have no effect on you? I- hhhg!"

Screams of pain are hard to ignore, so I paused, against _any_ better judgement.

"You didn't react to me at all...you...you looked right at me, too-" he retained a hard glare.

"I don't follow."

He narrowed his eyes, his face pale.

"Hold up. Is this, like, a dracula thing? 'Look into my eyes', that crap? HA! I've got contacts!" I admit that nonsense was my futile attempt to make some sense of the situation.

"...Power that can best Asmodeus?" He coughed.

At that, I lost faith in my entire magical department knowledge, if that even existed. "That...is a totally...different-" I rubbed the eyebags under my eyes. "I do _not_ have the energy for this…" I muttered. I crossed my arms, and stared at the unknown man from a distance of a large coffee table away. "You still haven't told me who you are."

"Duke Sateriajis Venomania. Though I- *cough* believe the lady should introduce hersel..f..ggh."

"...It's V. I wouldn't consider myself a _lady,_ though…" I caught his sly smile and matched it with the judgiest glare I could summon.

"Shit…." his expression turned concerned, "...will you leave me here to die?" He hadn't yet properly sat up in the chair.

"I- er. If I do then Rilliane, princess she is, shall see to it that I perish." I paused, then quickly tacked on a "Probably."

"A princess."

"Yep."

"Then, hurry up and help me!" He gripped an arm of the chair with his free hand and unsuccessfully attempted to stand.

"No."

Sateriajis just narrowed his eyes, though I had a feeling he was making a solid attempt to figure me out. "Ah, let me die already...I'd rather die than be stuck here. This already hurts too much, if you haven't noticed!" he coughed to emphasize the fact.

I wasn't convinced. "...Keep your...hypnosis to yourself, dude."

He gave up trying to stand and after a couple seconds, smirked at me. "Are you too smitten with me to do anything, is that it?"

I blinked. Thrice. Didn't see that one coming. "You're mistaking me for someone who gives a damn,"

He looked amused by my response. I shuffled on the spot, trying to think about something to do, when I remembered "Oh, the princess told me to give you this." I thrust the bottle towards him, and backed up. "Well, your manor gives me the creeps, and maybe you, a little, so bye!"

Sateriajis sat there, dumbfounded for a moment and then "Wait! What the hell am I supposed to do with this?"

I sighed. "Fine, fine, make me do the work." I took it, popped the crude lid off and, seeing no instructions, figured he either drank it or it was applied on, but the former was an uncomfy idea, so I dumped whatever was in it all over his clothes, catching him off-guard.

After nothing happened, I shrugged. "I guess that's what it's supposed to do. Oh well."

"...You're crazy, you know that?"

"Thanks."

"Well, I-OW!"

Subconscious reaction made me flinch. "What?"

"Ugh. If it's not obvious, this hurts. Do shut up now." he said, clearly trying hard to not yell again.

"I'll just leave you to your miseries."

There wasn't any response, even after I walked all the way across the room, and I looked back. Sateriajis had his head tilted the other way, so I couldn't see his expression, and wasn't making any indications of movement.

After a few seconds Rilliane burst in from the front door, just as I was about to leave the room.

"We did it!" She spotted Sateriajis, still slumped in the chair. "He's dead? What did you do?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, and I don't care."

She frowned at me. "You're crazy."

"So I've been told."

She groaned, shook her head, and spoke. "That's too bad. He would've helped us if you hadn't gone and done off with him!"

"Well, I didn't like him much anyways." I said in defense.

"You don't like anybody!" Rilliane retorted. "Come on, we need to find something! The Venom Sword!"

 _The what now?_ I followed her into the corridors.

* * *

 **For possible Veno fans out there, he ain't dead. Jsyk**


	3. In which I understand nothing

We searched through the upstairs rooms, Rilliane flipped over the covers and pillows, opened closets, and searched under beds. I rummaged through any large boxes, and in places where I thought someone would hide something of value.

It felt like we were going to search forever. After the 20th room, Rilliane finally spoke up. "How long have we been in here?" she got up and wiped the sweat off her face.

"I dunno. A while." I responded, throwing random loot and dresses onto the floor. Why dresses though? Why did he keep- oh yeah. Guy mentioned Asmodeus. That's probably why. Damn, why does he get more game than I do? Or...did. End me, man.

"Well, I want you to keep continuing this while I get a breather." Rilliane said, and continued to wipe her imaginary sweat.

"Wasn't there that weapon hanging on the mantel?" I prodded, throwing down yet another white dress.

"You really can't tell what differentiates priceless copies from the real thing?"

I clung to the excuse to pause searching. "You never know, it could be reverse psychology, put valuables right in the open so it gets overlooked-"

Rilliane huffed. "Peasant, that was a scimitar. The venom sword is a katana."

I blinked twice, and then resigned myself to the search. _Thanks, princess, but ya boy wouldn't have known that when you just call it "A Sword" and that it,_ I thought.

It was a tad humid in this room. I searched the closets that Rilliane hadn't touched yet, pulling out and tossing aside various articles of clothing. I held up a cool-looking shirt. It had ruffles on it, like a colonial outfit. How cool. I'd wear it if I had no qualms about where I found it. But I did, so...yeah no thanks.

Rilliane, however, was clearly focused on something else. "Psst! PEASANT GIRL!"

I turned around. "I have a _name_ , and- wh-Uh. _W_ _hat_?"

I paused, trying to comprehend this. In the doorway stood none other than Sateriajis. He held out his arms, flinching a bit. It was like he tried to make a dramatic entrance.

I could say nothing. "What the hell." That was something.

Sateriajis sighed, but he did smile. "Even I have to say, you actually, well, healed it…" he removed his hand from where there previously was a wound. It looked like the blood had stopped flowing, but he was still in a bit of pain as he moved his hand back to cover the spot.

I shook my head. "Damn, that's too bad…"

Rilliane gaped at me. "Too bad!?"

I laughed awkwardly.

"Well." Sateriajis said, looking elsewhere. "I don't feel, what's the word, er..powerful anymore."

I looked confused, so Rilliane answered. "That's supposed to happen, isn't it? Unless we find the Venom Sword, very little of its effects linger, yes?"

Sateriajis glared at the wall. "Ugh. What am I going to do about this place? My harem's gone, and-"

"Your _what_? I should've let you die, dammit!" I interrupted.

Sateriajis snorted. "Yeah, right."

"Please, peasant. As disgraceful as it is-"

"It is _not_ ," Sateriajis began to object,

"-We have better things to worry about!" Rilliane interrupted, wringing her arms impatiently.

"...Fine. I'll give you that, bean sprout...I don't know where it went, but Irina's gone and so is the Venom Sword. We don't stand a chance at finding it." he continued, looking at Rilliane.

" _Don't_ call me a bean sprout. And wrong, we can. For now, we need to find a way to the next person." she rushed out the room and down the stairs. Sateriajis brushed off her retort with a snarky laugh.

"Wait! You mean we're not done!?" I yelled after Rilliane's retreating figure. When she didn't answer, I groaned, and looked back at Sateriajis, who'd been leaning against the door frame the whole time.

I just ignored him and started down the stairs until he called, "You know, I do need help going anywhere here...it's not like I didn't just get stabbed or something..." I frowned, and turned around. "Dude, no way. Help yourself, because you got up here just fine on your own, now get back down!" I then just looked back down the stairs at an impatient Rilliane. In response, her expression lifted slightly, and she gestured. "Well? Aren't you going to move?"

I glared, trying to figure out what she was trying to pull. "As if I can do anything! I'm a stick! What, you expect me to carry him? You're insane!"

"No, you're blocking the stairs. Move." without another word, she turned and sauntered away from the staircase.

* * *

"...You're willing to come with us?" Rilliane asked Sateriajis blankly, as the three of us gathered in the large entrance hall.

"Where else would I go?" he reasoned.

I avoided eye contact with either of them as best as I could, embarrassed by my own stupidity.

Rilliane smiled. "Sateriajis can come along, but you are both now required to respect me, as I am Rilliane, the princess of Lucifenia." she stated in that authoritative voice of hers.

"I can't take either of you seriously." Sateriajis replied, rubbing his forehead, though his tone took on more of an amused one. Rilliane looked like she was about to summon up an angry retort, when I interrupted.

"Sure, _real_ good idea. Like we won't be at each others' necks the whole time. And you-" I pointed at Rilliane. "You got me into this mess I think I really shouldn't be in! What are you playing at, huh?"

Rilliane brushed off my frustration. "Truth is, peasant, I can't really get you back by will, we need to find a way back to my kingdom. And to do that, we hop through countless warps until the right one is found. Simple enough for your non-comprehensive brain?"

"Please don't take me with you," I complained.

"Here it is. Let's hurry!" Rilliane ignored me, spotting a destination only she could tell in a nearby door, and dragging me into the door she dived in headlong. I felt Sateriajis take my other hand and jump in too as the door matter warped behind us.

* * *

We were spat out violently onto a dusty road littered with pebbles sometime when the sun wasn't that bright. Or at least, I was. Rilliane once again somehow reached the ground gracefully and Sateriajis managed to land on his feet.

"Hell," I muttered, "why do I always end up on my arse?" I looked up at Rilliane, who was wiping the dust I'd kicked up off her cloak. "Where are we now?"

"Hmm. I don't quite recognize this place." Rilliane didn't look at me. "Peasant, be useful and figure something out for once."

I rolled my eyes and stood up. "I should ditch these pajamas…" Shortly after I gave up trying to rub the dirt off the flannel.

"You both need a change of clothing. Your attire is like a huge 'kick me' sign." Rilliane mentioned. Coincidentally, both Sateriajis and I gave her the 'are you serious' face.

"Excuse me? Lukana tailored this outfit, so I am certainly not willing to part with it-" the duke began.

"If you haven't noticed, I am also lacking my entire wardrobe. You're more insufferable than I bargained for!" Rilliane sighed, exasperated.

"Nyeh heh. You're just mad we look more fabulous than you." I threw her a grin. She glared back at me.

"Yes, as I do fancy your inappropriate circus rags."

I made a face. Got me there. But pjs are pretty damn comfy, _princess_.

"We don't know where this is, so stay unrecognizable until we figure things out." Rilliane returned to her train of thought, adamantly keeping her authoritative tone.

We were in a traditional-looking town, and the houses were made of wood and not the plaster I was used to. The only movement on the road was some cloth that hung from some roofs and swayed in the evening wind.

"The road's empty. Looks like it's getting late- but where are all the beautiful nightingales?" Sateriajis mused, his hair also getting caught up in the breeze.

I stared at him. "Nightingales? Like...the bir-"

"What else to call the beautiful maidens that run about at this hour?" he smiled, shrugging.

"Someone kill me please…"

Rilliane had gone and stood in front of a nearby door. I looked over as an elderly woman in cleaning attire answered.

"Yes?"  
"Tell me where I can rest for the night, peasa-I mean, miss." Rilliane asked. _You were about to say peasant weren't you. Weren't you_

If the woman was insulted, she held it in. "There are no accommodations here. Find somewhere else. Excuse me, good night." she closed the door on Rilliane. Sateriajis and I watched, amused, as the princess, frustrated, stomped her way back to us.

"You might have to work on your, uh, 'peasant skills'." I said gleefully.

Rilliane shot me a glare. "You be the one to knock on doors, then. Peasant."

My face fell. "Oh, come on."

"You _are_ under my command, and you do better communicating with your kind, anyway."

I had no amazing comeback for that, unfortunately. I sighed, accepted the quest and dragged my feet across the road and rapped my knuckles on a different door. A blue-haired man peeked through the doorway.

"Who are you?"

"Um. Sorry to bother you, but uh-my uh…" I looked back at Rilliane and Sateriajis, who looked like they were conversing with each other, "...acquaintances...and I are passing through, but it's late. Do you happen to know if there's anywhere we can go?"

"There's usually little for nighttime travelers in Enbizaka." he said, still not willing to swing the door even the slightest bit more for me. "Follow the road, maybe."

"...Okaay..." I scratched my neck, and took a long look at the road's pathway past the houses. It snaked around the buildings, and headed upwards towards the mountains. "Uh, might you know where the road goe-" I tried to ask a last-minute question, but he had already shut the door.

"So, peasant? Are you indeed better at this so-called 'peasant skill'?" Rilliane said when I returned from across the road, smirking at my failure.

"Will you really address us as 'peasants' forever? It's getting quite irritating." Sateriajis said, obviously disapproving.

"Why, yes. Because that's what you are. Remember what I said about respect, or else!"

Sateriajis scoffed. "You and what army?"

Rilliane looked outraged. "I was queen of a kingdom!"

"Oh, you _were_."

"And what about _you_? At least I didn't lose to a-"

I quickly butt in. "Hey! Dude at the door said we should follow the road. Uh, and we're in someplace called….Enbizaka?"

At this, Rilliane's attention shifted. "Ah, that's where this is! Good work, peasant. You might just be useful enough."

"...man, what's that supposed to mean?"

"Brilliant. We still don't have anywhere to stay, though." Sateriajis pointed out.

"He said to follow the road up. Let's do that." I offered.

"That's inconvenient. I could've flown us somewhere." he kept an impatient look on his face.

"What, you got a plane, or…?" I prompted clarification.

"If that bastard hadn't gotten me right before I was due to re-perform the ritual, I would still have my powers." he mused to himself.

I couldn't make sense of his nonsense, so I shot him an eyebrow raise without confirming if he noticed. Looking around the street, I noticed folded tents just past the upwards slope of the road. Taking a few steps in that direction, I saw the tents seemed to be in front of some multi story building. Food and rags peeked through the tent folds. I wondered if it was a market, though what shop sets up in front of a half-charred building?

"Hey, Rilliane. What's that building?"

Said princess stomped away from the duke and towards me with a "What now, peasant?"

"That? That's the Enbizaka trading center. There'll probably be street vendors in the morning." she informed me, as Sateriajis walked up behind us. "The both of you can get clothes later from there. You guys reek."

Sateriajis and I muttered a fake "whoops"

"Do we have to wait until morn-" I started, and noticed them both staring at something behind me. Sateriajis suddenly smiled. I turned around.

Across the street was a woman who had opened her door and was carrying a bucket outside. She wore a simple pastel kimono and had striking long black hair. She caught the three of us looking at her across the empty street and stared back for a while like a deer in headlights. She made her way over to us, still carrying the bucket. She walked straight up to Sateriajis, and her face suddenly brightened.

"You've returned!"

Rilliane and I quickly exchanged a hella confused glance, and looked at Sateriajis. He looked momentarily surprised too, and even more so when the woman decided to embrace him.

" _What the actual fuck are you doing,_ " I mouthed to him. He didn't notice, as he had a hand entangled in the woman's hair and was grinning.

" _You've gotta be- is he seriously doing this now,"_ I whispered to Rilliane. Rilliane, however, was staring intensely at the woman, saying nothing.

 _God damn it,_ I thought, thinking of doing something, anything, really- when the woman finally let go, and excitedly gushed "I wasn't expecting you! I'm very sorry, the house is a mess...let me tidy it up for you." she tiptoed to give him a kiss on the cheek, and walked across the street as fast as she could. The door remained open behind her as she disappeared into the house.

After she was out of earshot, I nearly decked Sateriajis in the face. "Are you shitting me?! What the hell did you do to her?!"

He quickly raised both hands in defense. "Wait, wait! I didn't do anything!"

I grabbed his coat sleeve. "You're mind controlling her to like you or something!"

"I'm _not doing anything_ ," he persisted, "why do you even care?!"

"Hey, peasant girl, stop. I don't think that's what the Sword's magic looks like." Rilliane spoke up from behind me.

"What? Then why would she-" I looked back to the open doorway right as the black haired woman re-appeared.

She at first was quite joyous, and then seemed to just notice me there. She briskly walked back over, and I took my hand off Sateriajis' coat, ready to ask her a few questions, when she straight up slapped me across the head.

"Ouch!"

"Don't you threaten my husband!" she yelled.

"... _Husband_?!" I rubbed my head. "Wait, what? Are you quite sure about tha-"

"Excuse you!" she glared at me, and then looked back at Sateriajis with a softer expression. "Honey, who are these two?"

"I...uh, they're…" Sateriajis looked back and forth between Rilliane and the woman. "I...just ran into them."

"Come on, let's go inside. It's late. I have dinner for you!" The woman took his arm and began to lead him across the road.

"Halt, peasant! What are you doing, dragging my servant away?" Rilliane lowered her hood and took a step forward. If looks could kill, the black-haired woman would've suffered a deathblow.

"Servant?!" The woman huffed. "You inconsiderate brat! Never speak to us again!"

Rilliane looked furious. "Peasant, I order you to stop bothering my servants, _or I will ruin you_!"

"You can't possibly." the woman stated coldly, and turned back around, chin in the air. Meanwhile, I was still holding my head. _I can't believe I was just defended by a 14-year old..._

Sateriajis threw us a small smirk over the lady's shoulder as she practically dragged him into the house she'd come out of, and slammed the door behind them.

"...Are you for real?!" I dropped into a squat. "He's enjoying this far too much to be the non-guilty party."

Rilliane facepalmed. "He's such a _selfish_ _idiot_."

"I'm stuck between caring enough to get her back for that and not caring," I continued in a monotone voice.

"Tch. She's absolutely horrid. Yet…" Rilliane never finished her sentence, though I was constantly trying to prompt her with my questioning expression. "Come, peasant. We'll get him in the morning."

* * *

 **In which I take advantage of people looking like other people, if you get my drift.**


	4. In which I forget money exists

"Sweet jeebus." I stretched my sore limbs, and looked to my left. Rilliane still slept there, curled up in a ball. We'd taken shelter behind a section of the building that had less tents in front of it, and tried our best to make it through the night. I had pretended to sleep just to ignore Rilliane's grumbling complaints, which somehow worked. By the looks of it, the sun would come up in a little while or so.

So I did the best logical thing and went back to sleep.

* * *

"...ervant...ser….SERVANT!"

"No, mom, 5 more minutes…" I muttered, and then got roughly kicked in the backside.

"Peasant! Wake up!"

"Ow! Hell! Give a brother a break!"

"If you had woken up the first time I kicked you, I wouldn't had to have done it again. Now, stop being lazy this instant and get up!"

I tried to blink away the irritating ache. Turning my eyes to the road behind her, I was surprised to find it was crammed with more people than the DMV would ever have any day.

"That's a ton of people. How long was I out?"

"Long enough. Come, get something to change out of your unpleasant garments with."

* * *

"Buy my double edged swords!"

"Golden tissue paper! Right here, right now!"

"Leg sweaters! Get your leg sweaters here!"

 _Uhhh...no thanks._ I followed Rilliane as we made our way through the morning's travelers and merchants. She stopped at a tent and took off her brown cloak, revealing her bob blonde hair and a simple white dress she wore underneath.

"I'll trade this cloak for a change of clothing!"

The guy running the tent looked her up and down. "Why would I take your stinkin' cloa-"

"It is fringed with gold. Now give me a set of clothes!" Rilliane shoved her cloak towards the man, who nearly snatched it from her. "Take whatcha want!" He said, eyeing the cloak's yellow fringe.

I looked at Rilliane. "You really didn't have to-"

"I can't stand a servant looking like _that_ any longer, peasant!"

So I grabbed a basic shirt and shorts that practically screamed 'I'm-level-one-in-an-rpg'. Ducking behind a draped cover to swap outfits ("you will be missed, my dear penguin-patterned pjs") we headed back into the throngs of sweaty old people and dusty travelers.

A few minutes into trying to weave our way through the crowd, Rilliane seemed to fixate on something amidst the people I couldn't see. Suddenly, "Peasant girl! You go find Sateriajis!" she called, and dipped into the mass of pedestrians.

"Wai-sorry, excuse me- HEY! RILLIANE! WAIT!" I tried to make my way through in the direction where Rilliane was headed, but unfortunately only succeeded in nearly crashing into a tall woman with a hood. She caught me before I could topple us both.

"Oh crap, my bad!" I exclaimed, noticing she had quite the steady grip. I found myself staring into the eyes of a lady whose strands of pink hair framed her face, though most of it was hidden under the cloak. She looked like she'd seen some shit, honestly.

She stared back at me for a while, without surprise- was it contemplation? "Uhh- I'm-" I bent down to check my knees for scratches, and when I stood back up, she'd been swallowed by the crowd.

* * *

Somehow after following the flow of traffic and repeatedly jumping up and down to see over people's heads, I made it back to the street with the burnt buildings. With much difficulty, I squeezed rightwards out of the crowd and walked up to the door I remembered the crazy lady coming out of the evening before, and got ready to loudly make an entrance. I reckoned if she answered the door I'd just fight my way past her.

"hEY!"

...I was expecting to hear shuffling, noise, something, but I didn't hear anything, so I rapped my knuckles loudly on the worn door, careful to avoid splinters. My confidence was exponentially decreasing. I made an effort to raise it.

"'SCUSE ME, MA'AM, WE'RE ALL CIVILIANS HERE, WHY DON'T W-"

The door flung open and I swung up my hands in surprise.

Sateriajis cocked an eyebrow, leaning on the door frame. "Seriously?"

I lowered my hands. "Uhhhhhhh…..ignore me." out of embarrassment, I swiveled my head left and right, but saw nothing good to focus on. "Is she….back there?"

Sateriajis stiffly shook his head, stepped past the threshold, and slammed the door behind him. "I hate to admit it, but I'm glad you came back. That woman is insane. She's strangely happy in this damn creepy house, and gave no indication of noticing its condition!"

"She's the only one still living on this street?" I eyed the burnt wood piling up amidst the houses that lined up the rest of the road to the left. Now that I had a closer look in the daytime, most had blackened boards nailing the front doors shut.

"She acted like everything was normal! I've never been uneasy in a woman's presence before. Not even a bit, you know. It was frustrating! God I can't believe I got stuck in there!"

"Aaand look who's talking. _You're_ the one who left us outside last night."

"I absolutely would not leave a fine lady well alone!"

It was my turn to cock an eyebrow. "You've gotta be kidding me."

"What's your deal? Never learned a thing called courtesy?"

"Not what I….nevermind." I gave up. "Rilliane wandered off somewhere, said-"

A loud, high pitched scream resounded somewhere across the road. A pretty darn familiar high pitched scream.

"Was that-" I turned around, but Sateriajis had already taken off into the crowd, pushing people out of his way as he went. _Alright,_ I thought, and tried to follow after him. All I accomplished, on the other hand, was people shoving _me_ in all directions, and stink eyes galore. Heck, if I had a dollar for every glare I got in those few minutes, I could've bought Rilliane's bigass castle.

It was easy to spot where the sea of passerby had made significant enough room. I burst into that opening to see Rilliane, on the ground, clearly distressed, yet nobody was helping her to stand. A few watched, but she didn't look to be in danger of anything to run from. In such a situation, it's difficult to consider being a heartless douche, so I dropped down to give her a hand. She slapped me away.

"Hey! What happened?"

"It's...it's her...no, why-" Rilliane looked terribly shaken. I looked up to see Sateriajis find us, and attempt to grab Rilliane by the arm. Of course she protested, so he rolled his eyes and hoisted her over his shoulder. If we were under slightly different circumstances, I would've lost it laughing.

We managed to get out of that tight squeeze crowd, and Rilliane only stopped shouting once Sateriajis let her off on a bench sitting between two buildings.

"You inappropriate bastard!" she kept hitting his shirt with her fists.

"Relax! I was just getting you out of the road!"

I stepped in front of him, facing Rilliane. "Did you run into the black-haired lady from last night?"

"No! It was...Allen warned me of her but I never thought we'd actually-"

"What? Warned you of who?" I prompted.

Rilliane looked up at me, fire in her eyes. "She's-she's…" Rilliane's eyes were drawn to my wristwatch. She pointed. "W-would that happen to be a clock?"

"Yeah, why-" I began to raise my left arm slightly.

Rilliane grabbed my wrist and turned my arm towards my face.

"What're you-" I began, but looked at my watch. It was spinning uncontrollably, like a compass gone out of whack. "The hell?" I smacked my wrist a couple times. No dice.

"It's Elluka. The mage of time…she's here and she _knows_ we're here." Rilliane kept looking behind me at the flow of traders. Sateriajis tensed up at the name.

I frowned, catching on to the concern. "What does she look like?"

"Pink hair. Piercing eyes. She's-"

"What the shit!" I interrupted, " _That_ lady!? I nearly knocked her over!"

"You _what_?"

"I accidentally, err, bumped into her? She didn't say a word to me, though." I stared at Rilliane. "What'd she do to you?"

"I...she just held my shoulder and said she'd found me and I felt strange, as if I somehow forgot how to stand? I fell over and she was gone…"

"Okaay. That doesn't sound good. Is there like a hospital in this town?"

"It's highly influential magic. One doesn't simply visit the doctor for that stuff." Sateriajis gave me a funny look. I was about to defend myself, or laugh at the way he formatted that sentence, but realized something in the process

"When I meant I'm not from around here," I sighed, "I mean that _literally_. For starters, I've never seen nor heard of real magic in my life, and the USA doesn't have a monarchy,"

"What?" He turned his head towards Rilliane, "Did you know that?"

"I suppose, though I am not aware of what a 'you es-say' is." Rilliane had visually calmed down enough to go back to her upper-class accent. I mentally grumbled, giving up on hopes of quickly thinking of anything to help my case.

"In any- wait. You mentioned Elluka to have rose-colored hair?" Sateriajis asked.

"Yes. Is there a problem?"

He looked over his shoulder, scanning the flow of passerby. "I always knew her to be blonde…"

Rilliane's eyebrows went down in thought. "She _is_ known to be capable of body swapping."

"Ah, so like IR…" Sateriajis mused. "well...whose body is she using?"

Rilliane seemed to not be as stuck on the subject as Sateriajis was anymore, so it was silent for a few seconds when she didn't respond. Meanwhile, my own expression hopefully displayed the surprise I felt. _Body swapping? How in the entire world? First hypnosis, now this-What's next, sentient bread?_

"In any case, we need somewhere to go, and _not_ that woman's house-" Sateriajis crossed his arms, moving onto a different train of thought.

"You stayed at her place and never even got her name?" I asked.

"She didn't, as one would when they're with their betrothed. But she runs a tailoring business- I heard a patron call her by her last name. Sudou."

* * *

"Peasant, what exactly are you doing?" I heard from over my shoulder. I quickly tried to flush out any indications of being surprised that she'd caught me before I turned around.

"Nothing." I went for a boring expression, hoping she'd give up and leave.

"You're supposed to be assisting me, not spending time on useless things!" she huffed.

I sighed. "What were we supposed to be doing again?"

"You've forgotten. Of course. We are still seeking locations for shelter. I won't stand for a repeat of last night, or I will have you executed!" she crossed her arms.

"C'mon, again? You know you don't have anybody left to do your bidding."

Rilliane took a step closer to me. Though she was nearly half a foot shorter than me, I still awkwardly focused my line of vision away from her. "I'll have you know, I can still ruin you in more ways than one." she hissed, and then spun on her heel to walk away. I took one last look at the weaponry decked in jewels adorning the stand behind me, and jogged to catch up with her. A shame. There were some interesting displays here, that was for certain.

"Those had better not be empty threats." I said as soon as I was in earshot of the princess.

"They were not, peasant."

"Great, 'cause I really do need a good reason to be stuck with you."

"Have I told you you have an extremely detestable tongue?"

"Alright, geez, geez. I only wanted to window shop the interesting stuff." I thought for a moment, and then continued. "Where's Mr. Hotshot? I'd bet twenty cents I wasn't the only one looking at random shit."

"Sateriajis?"

"Yeah, purple guy. Him."

"See, unlike your sorry excuse for a servant, he had the decency to-" she suddenly stopped speaking, and I could see why. We'd finally come across him, but he was clearly flirting with a few girls in front of one of the stalls. As I could tell Rilliane was processing the scene, I just had to crack a smile.

Rilliane's expression darkened as she stormed through the group and right up to Sateriajis. "I clearly remember informing you that we need to look for a place to stay! Stop wasting our time immediately!"

"These lovely ladies just stopped by to say hello. Nothing wrong with that." he smiled, a different reaction to her demands. I supposed it was to keep on appearances for the crowd, which only made this more amusing. As Rilliane vehemently tried getting Sateriajis out of his cheerful front, I tapped one of the girls on the shoulder. Might as well try to ask, since they were here.

"Hey, sorry to be a bother, but do you know if there's a place where guests can stay for a few days in the town?" I gestured towards Rilliane and Sateriajis, "We're...a little lost...any help would be great."

The girl cocked her head to the side. She blinked slowly, thick mascara clinging to the tips of her eyelashes. I mentally complimented her bright blue eyeshadow matching her flowery kimono. "Hm. There's not an inn if that's what you are looking for."

"Why don't you ask the doctor? He lives across the road from here." The girl next to her added, adjusting a loose hairpin in her messy bun.

"Thanks, will do." I gave her the okay hand. She stopped twiddling with the pin, looked at me confused, and attempted to imitate the hand sign. I grimaced. At myself. Damn it, meme reflex.

Meanwhile, Rilliane was still struggling to gain any sort of control, so I decided to just leave them to it. I had taken exactly three steps in the opposite direction when Rilliane's voice once again cut through the morning air.

"And where do you think _you're_ going?"

I don't know why, but I took two more steps, faster this time. And another three. And too soon I had broken into a sprint down the road, without knowing where I was going or why I decided to run instead of turning around. I heard quick footsteps behind me, and, since adrenaline is a strange thing, I resolved I was already too far gone to stop now.

I wasn't planning on paying attention to where I was going, but the more my old oversized sneakers I normally only reserve for trips to my garage smashed into the dirt road, the more fatigue forced me to attempt diverting my attention elsewhere. I tilted my head up, just as a handmade sign reading 'SOBA HOUSE' in black paint came into perspective. I quit running almost instantly to double check if it was what I thought it was. Food. And it smelled hella delicious.

Rilliane barreled towards me, putting my joy at stake. Though as furious as she was, at the moment her attitude was the least of my concerns. Before she could begin another lecture, I flapped my hands excitedly.

"Look! They sell soba here?! I want to go eat some! Have you ever tried this before?" Grinning, I gave her an expectant look, but not enough time to respond.

"That's not the-!"

"Wow, you're serious? You've missed out big time! C'mon, c'mon!" I took her wrist and began to lead her into the open doorway, but she yanked back with such force I paused.

"Peasant! Why must you be so...irritating!" She clenched her jaw, but allowed a glance at the sign. "Soba? What _is_ that?" she wrinkled her nose.

"Noodles. Like pasta. Or spaghetti. But awesomer. And delicious! I swear!"

"You speak of utterly imaginary things." Rilliane looked at me with disdain. I shrugged, and noticed Sateriajis walking up the road behind her. I waved him over.

"Come on. _Please_ tell me you've at least tried this."

He looked at the sign. "Sorry to disappoint, but I'll have to say it's a no. Doesn't look too bad, though. Shall we, princess? Maybe it'll miraculously soothe your nerves."

Rilliane looked furious, but it didn't take them long to walk inside, and for me to follow.

* * *

There were relatively few people inside. I assumed the morning trading was still in full swing. The lingering crisp smell of raw fish wafted around my head, and even though I wasn't eating this at a restaurant back home, I might as well have been. I was nearly finished with my bowl when I noticed Rilliane hadn't touched hers.

"You gonna eat that?" I pointed my chopsticks at her bowl, chewing on half a mouthful of noodles.

"It looks strange. I'd much prefer sweets. And - ugh! Don't talk to me with your mouth full, that's filthy!"

I shrugged, still working on the noodles. "Dunno. Cmon, it's pretty good. Look, he's eating it."

Rilliane, who was seated to my left, looked past me, over at Sateriajis. He'd been eating at a slower pace than me, but seemed to be content with the food, at least. He was looking across the room, and not at us.

Rilliane scowled, and returned to picking at her own bowl.

Just then, a young waitress walked up to our table. "When you've finished, payment, please." she walked off after to serve two ladies at another table their food.

 _Oh._ In my excitement, I'd totally forgotten about currency. My hand went to where a short pocket would be, but then realized I'd changed outfits. And then subsequently realized that even if I was still wearing my pajamas, I only had a quarter in the back pocket. And furthermore realized American currency was likely worthless here. My head turned expectantly to Rilliane.

She glared back at me. "What? All the gold I had was on that cloak. I never had any jurisdiction over Jakoku."

I had no geographical sense here. Every location name thrown at me was like naming individual counties over in virtually anywhere outside California. _Well, fuck._ I scratched my head, and turned to my right. Sateriajis was smiling at the two girls sitting at a table across the room. They were giggling to themselves. _Great._ I glanced outside. The road was still fairly busy. _This isn't 21st cen America,_ I reminded myself. _So what do I do...?_

And a ridiculous idea crept into my head.

* * *

A few minutes later, the same lady came back. She sternly smiled, and stood to the left of our table. "Well?"

I could _feel_ the air grow heavy. I don't think any of us expected we'd be so distracted as to forget we were essentially broke. I let out a nervous laugh. "I'll be right back. Gotta, y'know, use the bathroom first." I moved out of my seat. _These guys won't know what hit 'em._

"Um. Same." Sateriajis quickly rose just as I pushed back my chair.

 _Aw, heeeell no._

I shot him a sharp glare. He avoided looking at me.

 _Every man for himself it is._ I straight-up bolted for the front door behind me.

"HEY!" I heard the waitress yell. "STOP!"

"pEASANT?!" Rilliane's distressed shriek brought the entire room's attention to our table.

I yeeted myself over the last table to the door, ungracefully knocking off all the cutlery to the floor, to the utter dismay of the woman sitting there. The only thing I remember thinking was being thankful they weren't using ceramics. I snatched someone's untouched side of tempura on my way out the door with a "SORRY, THANKS!"

Despite all the commotion, I surprisingly made it outside.

I didn't see how he'd gotten out, but Sateriajis suddenly dashed past me, which only increased my adrenaline. I _knew_ I was probably a slower runner than Rilliane, but I _definitely_ wasn't gonna die today!

Through the noise of the chaos from within the restaurant, the two waitresses' shouts, and the unsuspecting bustle of the the morning crowd, a ringing " _Peasant_!" was heard clearly. I looked over my shoulder to see Rilliane stumble through the entrance.

She and I locked eyes.

Furious, she started after me with a "How _dare y-!_ " before she tripped over a bowl I'd knocked to the floor.

I have to admit I continued running with no regrets.

* * *

 **...Even though Rill has to do dishes now, she has a place to sleep. And I'm stuck with the other guy. Go figure.**

 **More to ensue, because the Enbizaka kills don't happen in one day. Thamks, come again.**


	5. In which I run a fabric scam

I kept pace behind Sateriajis, using the crowd to my advantage. Somehow, nobody pursued us as we made it as far as we could from the restaurant, only slowing to a jog just outside a large bridge overlooking a shallow river.

"Holy _shit_! I feel horrible, but damn it, food is food!" I breathed out a gigantic sigh of relief.

Sateriajis looked briefly amused. "That's a first. What happened to the princess?"

"Uhhh. Didn't see. Did you?" I grinned.

"Liar."

"Ha, you got me. I wonder what they're gonna make her do-"

 _CRASH!_

And the next thing I knew, my face met dirt; fabric and trinkets falling around me. "Ouch...wh-!"

"You ruffian! Look what you've done! This mess is your fault!" I heard an elderly man's voice.

I looked up to see the wrinkled face of a bespectacled old man with an unkempt white beard. He'd been carrying a buttload of cargo in, and I'd bumped right into his precarious stack of buckets and fabric, knocking them to the ground.

"...My apologies on her behalf, sir. If I may-" I heard Sateriajis offer assistance, but the old man swatted him away.

"Tell this young'un here to be more careful! The brat can pick this up."

I didn't know what was worse, the shrills of a spoilt princess, or a lecture from someone's grandfather. "Ahh, I didn't see you there, sorr-"

"Like hell ya didn't see! I've got glasses n' I can see better than you. I'm suppose to be runnin' a stand over there! You're makin' me lose profit!"

I quickly picked up as much of the fabric I could and grabbed an overturned bucket. "I uh, I'll help you carry this!"

"Hmmph. I could use some young muscle. Tell your friend he can join you." The old man huffed, and rolled up his sleeves, continuing to carry what remained in his arms. I looked over to Sateriajis for any sign of sympathy, but received exactly the opposite as he quickly shot me a 'tsk tsk' while the old man wasn't looking. Figures.

Shifting the weight of the fabrics to my right hand, I followed the grumbling old man in silence, keeping a fair distance behind him. To avoid any humiliating conversation, I walked a fair distance in front of Sateriajis. We made our way down the sidewalk sparse of merchants, and to my relief I wasn't forced to pass by the soba place.

Eventually the man stopped by an empty table on the roadside, two leaning poles barely supporting a faded draped cloth I assumed was for providing shade. The wooden suspensions on the right did not look like it was going to hold up for long - it wobbled as he got behind the table. I dived out to push it back in what I only assumed was its proper spot, shaking off some dust.

"What're you doin, sonny?" he pointedly asked. "Stop fiddlin' with the stand and get me those fabrics."

I groaned out loud. Did he ignore or just not notice my efforts to help?

"Don't you backtalk me, young'un! You've caused me enough trouble today!"

"Sorry, sorry." I muttered, rearranging the old man's fabrics the best I could on the display table. I glanced up just as Sateriajis dropped two boxes and even more fabric onto the table, ruining whatever I was arranging. _Greeeeat_. He lingered for a few seconds, and then I watched him walk away from the stand.

Alarmed, I called after him. "Where are you going?"

He turned, a mocking smile on his face. "Somewhere."

I moved to follow, but the old man cleared his throat. "Ahem. Your friend can go, but you have to pay for the damages you caused!"

I faced the old man, slightly annoyed. "I didn't even break anything! And I already apologized and brought your merch here-"

"What did I say about the backtalk?" He crossed his arms, leaning back on one of the rickety wooden chairs behind the table. "You're going to stay here and watch the stand!"

I looked back at Sateriajis, who obviously heard the entire exchange. His small laugh did not go unnoticed as he walked off into the crowd. I let out a sigh of defeat, and slumped down into a chair, resigning myself to watching the dozens of people milling about in the midday bustle.

* * *

I was awoken by someone harshly shaking my shoulder.

"Hhhuh?" I blinked, sitting up.

"Boy! Wake up! This is no time for a siesta!" it was the old man again. I frowned, rubbing my eyes.

"I'm sorry...did we have a customer?"

"Of course not! You were sleepin' on the cargo!" he was shaking in fury so much that he needed to prevent his glasses from slipping off. I quickly surveyed the table. Not one fabric looked like it had been touched. When I did nothing in response but shrug, he ranted on. "You ain't being any help! Quit nappin'!"

"But there's no customers…"

He frantically gestured towards the still populated street. "Whadda you mean _no customers_?! There's plenty customers _right there_! Be useful or...or I'll…!" he coughed, cleared his throat, and then seemed to collect himself. "I have t' buy milk for the missus. You better have these sold by sundown, you hear?"

"The _entire table_?" I exclaimed, much too loudly. "But, there's no way!"

"You heard me! Sell the lot of it! Think of it as your payment. I'll return here by dusk."

I watched him hobble off, and then sat down and buried my head in my hands. _The entire table?!_ This had to be at least 50 pieces of fabric. There was no way in hell I could sell them, there was literally nobody coming up to even window shop, and I wasn't some experienced retail clerk! It's not like I had any form of advertisement, or any way to convince people to even just have a look-

I stopped. Raised my head to look at the multicolored, extravagantly designed _, extremely ugly_ fabrics.

And for the second time that day, an idea crept into my head.

* * *

A middle-aged woman carrying a woven basket passed by the stand. I grinned. She was definitely in hearing distance.

"Ma'am!"

The woman turned towards me, and eyed the stall. "Excuse me?"

"Yes, hello! Would you like to buy one of these fabrics? This may be your lucky day!"

"I... sorry, I'm not interested-" she stammered.

I put on a bigger smile, and leaned over the counter, as if to whisper. "These fabrics...are from my grandfather. It's a family secret, and I'm really not supposed to say...but he enchanted these fabrics with _good magic_. And they bring miracles to whoever buys them."

The woman was skeptical. "It looks like you haven't sold anything."

I wasn't about to be swayed by such a remark. "I couldn't! He would always tell me not to tell people about the _secret_ …" I pouted. "But then he doesn't sell anything. It's kinda sad. But he's not here now! And I really do want to make him proud!"

"...Maybe one." The woman pointed to a rather small pink flowery handkerchief-sized fabric.

"Excellent choice!" I folded it up and handed it to her. "If you wash your face with this every night, it will make you very beautiful." I gave the sweetest smile I could muster, praying she'd buy it.

The woman considered. "Is it expensive?"

...Ah, shit. I didn't know the currency, and the old geezer never told me about this. "Whatever you think it's worth," I stammered. The lady nodded and dropped a few coins into my outstretched hands. They were bronze in color and had a depiction of some kind of building. She walked away, eyeing the fabric.

" _Yes_!" I fist pumped. I couldn't believe it, that stupid idea worked.

And now...I watched a teenage boy as he made his way looking from one stall to another on my side of the road. It was game time.

* * *

"Hello! I'm selling foreign magic fabrics! Everything you see here has a particular miracle enchantment on it."

The boy laughed, more of a mocking one than amusement. "Really? What does that do, then?" he pointed to a blue and green colored one.

"That's...that one is like a lucky charm. Pretty girls will be _all_ over you, promise."

The boy frowned. "Eugh. Girls kinda suck, man."

I felt myself beginning to sweat. Shit, this guy probably just got dumped or something. "Then, how about this one?" I grabbed a totally random, red colored one that was towel-sized. "This one is _cursed_. It'll bring inconvenient misfortune to whoever it is in the possession of."

The boy stared at the fabric in my hands. "How much is it?"

I was caught off-guard. Huh, didn't expect that one to work. In that case, maybe if there were bronze coins, there could be silver, and possibly gold. "F-five of those...gold coin things."

"Five gold? Gosh. Well. I'm getting him back for sure today. Thanks, man."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I watched the boy walk a ways up the street, and pointed out my stand to a few passers-by. Those people then began to head over. _Aw, yiss._

* * *

"Get magic fabric, cloths and rugs here!" I announced to the small crowd that was gathering at the front of the table. "That one will protect your heart from heartbreak! If you sew this one into your clothes, you'll never feel too hot or too cold again! That one gives you good fortune! And that one...is a magic carpet!"

Someone from the gathering of people shouted, "Prove it!"

"Oooh, but it only works at _night_!" I winked. "Buy now, these are limited and one-of-a kind!"

"Where did you get all of these?" I was asked.

"My relative traveled to the far reaches to get it!"

"Where was this one made?"

"Near the far west, with kind, ancient magic!"

"What does this one do?"

"Makes you feel light as a feather when running!"

"Do you have anything that can turn you invisible?"

"Sorry, that one was sold out this morning...but _this one,"_ I purposefully picked out a dark grey cloth, "-will compliment every outfit you wear without fail!"

* * *

"-And this one will definitely prevent evil from entering your home." I smiled, handing a, truthfully, tacky-looking front welcome doormat to a lady, who thanked me profusely and dropped a large sum of gold into my hands. I waved as she left, and dropped the spoils into the second of two overflowing buckets hidden under the table.

I smiled in victory, proud of the empty tabletop in front of me. The sun was just beginning to go down, and the old geezer hadn't returned. That was quite an impressive crowd I'd attracted. I yawned. Gosh, I wish I had a bed to sleep in. Sitting back in the chair, I covered the two buckets with my legs and put my head down between my arms.

Right as I was about to drift off to sleep, I heard footsteps near the stand. I raised my head, preparing an apology for a possible customer, but met the gaze of the old man instead. I jumped. "Ah, hi-"

He stormed right up to me. "You can't trick me, you rascal! Did you _throw out all the fabric_!? After all I've done to-!"

I put both my hands up. "No no no! I sold-!" I ducked down and quickly grabbed one of the overflowing buckets at my feet, swinging it up onto the table. A few gold coins fell out and clinked to the floor.

The old man's expression turned from anger to surprise. He was silent for a while. "How many of these do you…"

"Two buckets." I scratched my head sheepishly. "Full ones."

"Two-Oh, oh." he fell silent again.

"Yeah. Um. I'm sorry about this morning. Here, all the coins are yours. I hope that's good enough for payment. I'm going to, uh. Find my...acquaintance. And hopefully find somewhere to sleep. Have a good night." I lifted the other bucket onto the table, and moved to walk away.

"Sonny."

I turned back.

"Do you got a place to sleep tonight?"

"No…"

"I can offer my home. It is not much, but it will do."

 _Well, I'll be damned._ "Thank you, uh, Mr…"

"Gregory. I'm very surprised. Truthfully, I didn't expect you t' sell all of it."

I played it off. "I think I was just lucky. Wow, well, thank you again."

Mr. Gregory looked around the dimly lit-street. "I don't see your friend."

"Pppfft. Don't worry about _him_." I grinned. "Shucks, he can probably get a place to sleep anyway." _Take that, purple hair._

Mr. Gregory grunted a 'whatever you say', then grabbed one of the full buckets with a free hand. I picked up the other and followed him down the moonlit cobblestone street.

* * *

I walked up to a small house in an area of the town that reminded me of traditional Asian back streets and followed Mr. Gregory inside, closing the thin sliding door behind me. I took off my shoes and left them by the door out of habit. Mr. Gregory nodded some approval and turned on some oil lamps in a nearby room. "This is the guest room. Make yourself comfortable."

I was about to walk in when a dark-colored cat slunk through the guest room's doorway. I squatted down as it walked up to me.

"Woah! What a cute cat!" I reached out to pet it, but the cat slunk away from my hand. However, it continued to remain in the same room, its head turned towards me. I straightened back up. Ah, well. Maybe the cat would let me pet it another time. "What's her name?"

"Eh. I just call her missus. Wandered in one day and refuses to leave. So I leave milk out." Mr. Gregory responded, shuffling around elsewhere in the house.

"Very neat." I remarked. He squatted down to place a bowl of milk on the floor. The cat took sparse licks from it, and then wandered away. I placed the gold-filled bucket I had been carrying near the other bucket on the floor.

"I can't express my thanks enough. I hope I'm not intruding on anybody here."

"Bah. Nowadays jus' me and the missus. Don't worry about it."

"I see. Thanks again, good night." I walked into the guest room and shut the door. There was some blankets laid out in a fashion that reminded me of a futon. I was carrying nothing, so I went straight to the blankets and let myself fall face-first into them. _Smack._ Oof, maybe not the best idea. But blankets were blankets, and sleep after a long, long day was very welcoming.

* * *

 **Will return back to scheduled E.C. characters in the next installment. Towns have more than just the select canon characters, y'know.**


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